About a month ago, I was hiking with Dash down one of my favorite trails.
Dash. Not relevant to the post. But she is the worlds best doggie.
A couple of miles in, ahead of me on a knoll, I saw a man sitting on a blanket. His bike leaned on a rock behind him, piles of empty beer cans surrounded him as he rocked back and forth, tears streaming down his face. Observing his clothing, appearance and shopping bags on his bike, plus knowing that we were near the local farms, I guessed he might be a migrant farm worker.
I feel heaps of shame, of remorse, of anger and confusion when I think about what I did next.
I turned around and ran the other way. I warned another woman who was alone that there was a man on the trail who might have been drinking and she also turned around to head back to the trailhead. So many murders and kidnappings have plagued our hiking trails lately that I just couldn’t see any other way to handle the situation.
Two days ago, a man approached me at the gas station. He politely said, “Sweetie, I’m sorry to ask this, but I’m collecting pennies to get some gas money.” I hesitated just a moment and then said, “Sorry, no cash on me.” You and I both know I had a purse with a surplus of change I could have easily parted with.
The problem is that a month or so before that, I had a young teenage boy politely ask me for a couple of dollars for gas at a gas station, saying his mom was on the cell phone in his hand and worried about him. When I handed it over, his polite little act vanished and he did not head towards a car or the gas station store…but sauntered over to a group of friends waiting in the bushes.
I’d been had.
These incidents have really been troubling me. I’m tough, but a softie. I want to be street smart and wise…but I also hurt for these people who are asking me for help.
That poor man crying on the trail. His grief was so thick I could have touched it in the air around him. Could a friendly voice and offer to help have made a difference in his life?
This man who needed gas money – why the hell didn’t I just say I’d go inside and give $5 to the attendant for his gas pump? That would have saved me from being duped and would have helped him out – if he’d actually needed it.
I have been thinking about these things almost nonstop.
Damn this world for leaving me so jaded and guarded. I inherited my mom’s soft, soft heart and it’s only through the toughest of life lessons that it’s become so wary. I want to give and help, unbounded by rules and caution.
But, for now, my heart will have to heed caution and listen to the rules of giving as dictated by this world we live in.
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Midori — I have struggled with EXACTLY the same dilemma for years. Not only is there the risk that you are being duped, or that the money is being used fo drugs or alcohol or whatever, and that social services always tell you not to give bu to support local charities….I finally decided that I would, if I was able to, simply give some money. It wasn’t worth the heartache and the second guessing. Who am I to say that they don’t really need it? What if they do? So my (fairly new, BTW) policy is to give a couple bucks. My Dad, the best man in the world — who grew up in the Depression – was homeless for a while, and I know he’d give if he was asked. So, for better or for worse…that’s what I do.
So beautifully considered. Thank you for writing this. I had a terrible decision experience once – one that that shaded my life for many years – in which after I couldn’t tell if I had made the right decision. I thought, and thought and thought about it, asked others, and still I didn’t know the answer.
A friend then told me something that made a big difference in my life: Maybe acting morally means acting when there is no clear answer on how you should act, no clear way forward. You just act, and you own it, you accept that there is no comfort of being ultimately “right”.
I think is what you did, and with the subsequence of this post. You acted, but the decision is not over. It continues.
Perhaps that poor man’s grief was given to you as a gift, to allow you to have the strength to chose differently next time.
thank you for this post.
Kevin
@mediasres
Oh wow you two.
As tumultuous as I still feel, there is some respite in what you’ve both responded with.
I want to release my misgivings about freely giving (sorry if that statement activates a gag reflex)…like Elizabeth has decided to do.
But, I also hold on to the beliefs I’ve established over a lifetime of experiences that I’m doing something wrong to support someone who has a substance abuse problem.
And then there’s the issue of personal safety and responsibility to others besides these people with blatant need.
Could my energy/pennies be better allocated to someone or something who has a more deserving need.
ARRRG!! These are the thoughts that plague my darn little peanut brain
Thank you both so much for sharing my agony. Amazing how pain is…less painful (?) when you’re not alone.
Hugs,
M
Midori,
I just to give my sense. I don’t think your choice was “wrong”. I agree as well that personal safety, an awareness of the safety of others, etc. are part of the equation. Maybe the growing difference would be simply making the same choice, technically, but making it in a different way, with a different awareness, perhaps less fear, less of a reaction. I feel what you are saying here. Society makes us hard or uncaring in certain situations, and in many cases there may be good reasons for that. We also though want our hearts to be open to the moment.
You’ve made me think about that. It’s something I have to learn over and over. The moment is bigger than anyone realizes. But your post too is part of that bigness. That man’s grief moved through you, and then as reached me and is changing me. Pretty cool.
K.
@mediasres