We had deadlines for allowance when I was a kid.
Growing up, on Mondays, when I had forgot to ask for my allowance by the Sunday deadline, my prototypical Irish cum Midwestern America father would say, “Oh, sorry, you know you have to ask before the new week begins.” No matter how many noisy, 5-year-old tears were shed, or how silently my shoulders showed my defeat, he didn’t budge.
So, these days, being a parent, I always wonder (and maybe hope): how it must have KILLED him to say no! I mean, I’m a parent and knowing what I feel when I have to draw a parental line for Molly or Coleman, I hope he actually had to suck in his breath and square his shoulders to muster a “no” to those big, hopeful, begging green eyes.
And, I also hope…when I have to physically focus on taking a deep breath to square up my shoulders and deliver that same type of no…am I delivering the right message? Do they know that I want nothing more than to give in to the demands for soda, more video games, more more more? Do they know that I have to reach deep inside to find the strength to turn them down or make another, better choice?
Doubly worse is that I’m not one of those cool, creative parents who makes some kind of awesome game or diversion to distract them. No, I deliver the simple, harsh reality of “what’s best” and will result in “better adult choices”.
Let me say it…being a good parent sucks.
I would like nothing better than to give in to the sorrowful pain of a 7 year old boy, who thinks I am not a nice person at all. “BUT I AM NICE,” I want to shout. “Ask any of my friends and they will tell you!! I promise you I’m not doing this because I want to see the beginnings of that deep groove that lives between my eyebrows show up on your beautiful face. I do it because I think you will learn discipline and healthy habits for the rest of your life.”
Nothing would be easier than saying, “Oh, well, sure. Just this time,” over and over again.
But then I would be lying to everyone. right?
Being a crappy parent probably rocks. Sounds like more fun, and definitely easier.
Then again, there are probably a lot of things I could do to be a better mom. Read books, attend classes…all that lot.
But – in the meantime – I’m going to keep sliding in my socks, riding motorcycles with my boy, giggling over books with my girl, sharing stories about my frequent travels, pushing them beyond our little protected world to teach them about tolerance, fairness and life beyond our four walls.
And I guess I’ll also keep saying no.
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Yes, taking the easy route would be well easy. The result of setting the rules though is that now that our kids are 10 and 12, they have traveled to the US, Europe and Asia, stayed with friends for weeks, eaten in amazing restaurants and seen incredible shows because they know how to behave. They are fit, they make good food choices (and still love chocolate and doughnuts) and they are lovely and fun to spend time with. Stay tough – the rewards are stupendous.
Thanks Tahira!
Growing up, I had a brother and sister who were 12 and 14 years younger than me. So, when I was a teenager I think I made this observation about how “spoiled” they became by not having to take their dishes to the sink or say please and thank you all the time. They’re wonderful adults now, but it definitely impacted their behaviour as children.
Haha, and amen to the chocolate and doughnuts…I still do my share of indulging too